Best retorts to the annoying things people tend to say

Ever felt like 10 seconds of your life have been wasted in the most meaningless of ways thanks to somebody's great idea of making conversation. Normally, I would not even care about ten seconds but after listening to people say certain things I just feel robbed of a part of my life. Some people just leave you thinking why do they even speak at all? The problem is its hard to get back at these people, sane people often wonder what do you say to a phatan? Well here's the answer, my revolutionary research has shown that all responses to all pointless questions in the world consist of only two phrases; your mother or that's what she said.
Here are some scenarios I would like to use as examples of the brilliant conclusion.
Scenario 1
So you are at a restaurant having food and you see somebody you haven't seen for a while for a reason and he/she comes up to you and rather emphatically exclaims,
"Hey what are you doing here?
"Your Mother"
See how easily you can resume to your food after that short and rather sweet conversation? Normally, you would have had to explain your exact reasons for being in that place or stressed your neurons for something sarcastic. No more I say, Lets make life simple.

Scenario 2
So your closing the door and accidentally you smash the door on your hand and here you are in agonizing pain doing your best not to scream and somebody rushes up to you only to say.
"Does it hurt?"
"That's what she said"
You will feel along with bringing a lot of satisfaction, the phrase also helps in alleviating pain.

Scenario 3
Not to sound like a 'loser loner wannabe a man, aint got no looks so talk to the hand' sort but often your sitting in a group and you would rather not be a part of the conversation but there is always somebody who wants to drag you into it because they feel your missing out on the second coming of Jesus by sitting idle so they decide to say,
"What are you thinking about?"
"Your Mother"
Now you can peacefully go back to your thoughts but well in this case your just being honest.

Scenario 4
So you like to enjoy your food and not gobble it up in a single bite with stuff still dangling from your lips and your having a little chat with somebody else in the middle of your meal, when somebody intervenes and says
"Are you going to eat that?"
"That's what she said"
The person will be too confused to bother with you again.

Scenario 5
Lets say your at Cineplex, you have just paid 500 to watch a movie on a small screen with horrible sound and babies crying all around you. Mr I must say something sitting next to you decides to loudly whisper,
"What you looking at?"
"Your Mother"

Scenario 6
Maybe this is something most of you cannot relate to but since I am living in a dorm where there are common bathrooms this tends to happen to me. So you are in your cubicle doing your shit (literally) and somebody goes into the one next to you to do his shit (literally). Lets pretend he does not peep and say somehow magically he knows your in the next cubicle and decides to be smart and says,
"Potty kar raha hai? (taking a dump?)
"That's what she said"
Let your imagination go wild with this one.

Ewww boys have pottys: Cringe and die

Here is a random thought

How do gossip girls take a dump themselves? By gossip girls I mean all these girls who pretend to be all that and if you mention anything close to shit, they cringe and die a gruesome death instantly. Some people say its due to the access use of the artificial evolutionarily adaptive expression refered to as 'EWWW', for men who spend their nights blogging the expression literally translates to you will never get laid. However, once you are met with the expression after mentioning shit, it makes you feel like your the only one in the world who does it the good old way and the rest of them have a different extremely cleaner way of excretion! If they really are as disgusted by it as they pretend to be I suppose they must have a horrible time in the bathroom, that explains why most of them are so anorexic! They don't eat to look sexy they don't eat because they fear the toilet! On a sidenote, everyboy who has issues with these pencil thin girls take it up with the creators of Popeye the Sailor Man because the it was in that cartoon that the image of an anorexic girl was promoted in the media as being attractively, namely in the shape of Olive Oyl. Poor girl probably had a lot of Spinach shit to deal with later on. 

Here is a healthy non-pornographic exercise, imagine somebody, really anybody with a fake accent, a million designer purses, a supermodel body and excessive make up. Ideally, imagine somebody who you have a huge crush on, you will be over it in no time. Now really just think about being in the bathroom, how unrealistic is that thought thanks to all the million EWWWS you get even when you excuse yourself by saying, "be right back need to take a colossal shit". I really do imagine them cat walking into the bathroom screaming, "OMG I am not going to do this" and then reluctantly sit on the toilet seat as slowly the OMGs fade away along with the accent into pakistani screams of constipation. oooooooooooooh aaaaaaaaaaah eeeeeeeeeeee and then finally success *BLOOP*, at that moment I would expect a true gossip girl to really get up and start running away screaming IT WASN'T ME IT WASN'T ME!!

Conclusion: If you think I am disgusting, fuck you, your the one who got up without even cleaning it!

-Maila

Waiters: You Got Served

Isnt it fucking sweet when your sitting there feeling great about a sense of righteousness sticking up your ass only to have some fucktard dig deep and pull it all out to reveal the bastard that you really are? Ok maybe its not that sweet, you know who your father is and we believe you, I swear we do.

So here I am feeling great about myself lecturing people about how they should be treating waiters with respect. A moral lecture instigated by typical Pakistani behaviour on the part of my friend, here she is having a perfectly decent conversation with us in Urdu but immediately switches to English while talking to the waiter. The justification being, "he seemed parha likha", there is a high probability we are better suited to a conversation in Enlish than he was! If such a subconscious subtle show of superiority wasnt bad enough another friend of mine starts snapping his fingers to call the waiter. If you can't see why that is wrong,

A) He is not a Dog

B) Your not a fucking king

C) He is not about to feed you grapes

D) He is not Black 

I naturally felt compelled to fight the case of these seemingly completely rational beings who serve to facilitate us but are treated as slaves and I did feel great about preaching such dignified principles of equality; and not the kind of great I feel about cracking racist jokes, thats just wrong. 

Anyways, eventually we call for the bill and we see we have been overcharged. Not much, just a couple of more cokes than we ordered but if your selling something that costs you 20 rs for triple the amount, you should alteast not go around adding items to the bill that you did not order. Clearly, it was a mistake so we asked politely for them to revise the bill only to be met with a smug remark explaining that we got charged because 2 people who only came to pick us up 5 minutes back did not order anything. When you go out for coffee, you generally dont expect yourselves to be involved with in a Presidential Debate but you can't do much but feel like your talking to George W.Bush or Zardari when your trying to explain the same damn thing for 30 minutes in different ways and you just cannot go through and they keep reiterating,

"Sir woh menu par likha hai minimum per person rs 60 ka order hona zaroori hai"

Simple Maths shows that rs 60 per person for 8 people, including the three who arrived at the end, makes 480 and the overcharged bill was 740. Since that logic seemed to be falling on deaf ears, we tried talking to them like they had down syndrome, something you just assume when your talking to people belonging to a certain ethinicity that danny is more apt at talking about. The fact that we are being a humble and doing our best to restrain ourselves from beating them senseless with car-doors somehow led them to being more aggressive and louder by the minute. So finally before teeth started flying we decided to end the argument and leave vowing never to go back there again. Now for the sake of privacy I will not name what place I am talking about but lets just say the name of the place starts with roadside and ends with cafe. Go figure.

Some more simple Maths for the owners, 

Undeserved money made= 120 rs.

Customers lost= 8

Friends of customers = A handsome total of 10 and that chick I talk to online.

Blog Readers = The 5 people we pay to read this

Potential money lost due to their stupidity= A fortune. OK Maybe Not but you know what I mean.

Moral of the story, most waiters are fucktards. If you are getting paid to do a job, you might as well do it with a smile and you must necessarily do it with some professionalism. If we are paying a lot more than we should be for food that tastes like shit, we atleast deserve some good service!

I would like to publically apologize to the woman who argued with the waiter at Cafe Coffee Day for half an hour over something nonsensical and eventually exclaimed, 

"Exxxxpresso heee chaltay hai"

Interior Sindh can be a major market for Espresso if they only change one syllable.

Conclusion: Fuck waiters. Not literally, fuck chefs if you want to, just not in the kitchen. Snap fingers at them, tell them to massage your testicles while your at it. Speak to them in hebrew, its not like they understand much anyways.

-MAILA

Camel Rides

Now im sure everyones done this atleast once in their life if you live in Karachi and go to a beach I'm almost positive you've been on a camel ride. First off my advice, if you have a pair of balls, not unless you have a fetish for your genitals to be in pain DONT GET ON ONE! heres the scenario:

Camel: slow ass animal
Seat on camel: behind or on a hump
Surroundings whilst on a camel: Eventhough you're on a nice beach surrounded by fresh sea breeze and theres nothing but the sand and sea on the horizon all you'll smell whilst on a camel is camel ass
Texture: like a really rugged / rough carpet
Cost: upto about 100 rupees sometimes

Issue: now imagine yourself on an animal that seems like its limping, slower than the speed you walk at, whilst being seated on or behind something that keeps ramming or digging into your balls and when you gasp for air all you smell (or taste, if youre senses are extra receptive) is shit followed by a texture that feels like really thin needles poking through your clothes whilst all of this is happening simulataneously AND THEN AT THE END OF IT YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT SHIT TOO ??????^*@$%&!? WTF?

Conclusion: Camels are assholes

-Danny.P